The Things We Do
by DeltaG
Summary: The RED team get bored quickly. The result is several of the chapters in this, and the trouble the REDs get into. One of the results of the Scout being bored is a game Medic calls, "Time tag." Rated T for language, blood, violence, gibbing, etc.
1. A Simple Game

**A/N: This will most likely be short random incidents I write about. Thanks for reading.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own TF2. Valve owns it. Though I hope I own these character names.**

_Cast: (Note all are RED)_

Scout: Jacob

Soldier: Richard

Pyro: (Pyro wrote his name on paper before, but subsequently burned it before anyone could read it. Jacob saw one letter.) S. Thought to be Sam.

Demoman: Mitch

Heavy: Viktor

Engineer: Billy

Sniper: Adam

Medic: Gunther

Spy: Philip "Phil"

_Teufort_

Jacob the Scout was bored. The team was in the rec room, each at their own individual activity area. Richard the Soldier, Adam the Sniper, and Mitch the Demoman were sitting at a table playing a card game of some sort. Sam was lighting matches in the corner and whispering to himself inside his suit. Billy was working on a plan for a new weapon for himself that would probably give him the ability to fly or something. Phil was... Somewhere.

That left Viktor and Gunther who were sitting together on a couch, Viktor absent-mindedly nomming on a Sandvich and patting a Pocket-Medic while Gunther was cleaning his gloves.

"Ah, I'm bored!" Jacob exclaimed, tossing his baseball up at the ceiling. He caught it and threw it up again, this time missing the catch and it landing on Viktor's head.

"Who interrupts Soviet lunch time!?" The fat, bald Russian exclaimed, jumping up and dropping his Sandvich to the floor. The Pocket-Medic fell onto the couch, where Gunther seized it.

"Communists don't get lunch times!" Richard yelled, slapping his War Pig helmet. He needed glasses truly due to his poor aim with his rocket launcher, usually hitting far away from where he aimed, so he got the War Pig. The glasses now sat on top of the War Pig, and he was still wondering who took them.

"What you say?" Viktor turned to the Soldier, who ignored the Russian and continued to argue with the Scotsman and Adam about his cards.

"Mmm, mmm... Mmmph!" Sam took that time to raise his discovery: A match that was lit on fire next to a firework from his Pyrotechnic Tote.

"Sam! NO!" Billy yelled, reaching out and throwing his wrench at the Pyro's hand, intending to knocking the match away, but the firework was lit. To make things worse, the wrench struck Sam's hand and caused him to shake it in pain, his pyrovision showing that the wrench was a piece of candy. He reached down for it and tried to bite it through his mask.

All were now staring at the Pyromaniac, until Mitch muttered in a shaky voice, his drinking bottle surprisingly not to his lips, "There is something wrong wit' tha' thing..."

And then Billy's plans caught on fire.

With Sam in Pyroland and Billy's wrench in Sam's mouth, all Billy could do was try to beat the flames out as they burned up in front of his eyes, making him want to strangle the troubled man in a pyro suit.

"I'm gonna kill that there pyro!" Billy yelled, jumping over the table and running towards the pyro.

Billy tackled Sam, and a slap fight ensued, with the pyro only fighting with one hand as he continued to try and chew on the engineer's wrench.

"MAGGOTS! You are pathetic!" Richard screamed, tossing his cards down and turning his chair to them. The two were still slapping at each other, and Billy's hardhat was now on the floor next to him.

"'Ey, I'm still bored over here!" Jacob interrupted, twirling his baseball bat around.

"Why don't you go play outside with the Medic, mate." Adam suggested, tipping his hat to the Medic when he looked over at him in a puzzled fashion, and then stood, carefully placing the Pocket Medic down on the table.

_Outside_

"So, uh... You like baseball?" Jacob asked the medic, who was whistling a soft tune as they stood outside the base.

"No, mein do not like baseball." Gunther answered, snapping his gloves against his skin.

"So, uh... What do ya like?" Jacob asked, tossing the ball against the wall of the base.

"I like ze classical tunes. Viktor always loved it vhen I sang to him when he came to the base. I also like zis game I call, "Time tag."

"Time tag?" Jacob asked doubtfully, raising an eyebrow at the German.

"Ve vill need four people for it, as it is best played with more than two." The Medic went on, turning to the door.

Two minutes later, the doctor strode out with Viktor and a slightly bruised Engineer in tow. The Engineer was still not happy, but had his wrench back, and was trying to grin at the young Bostonian.

"Okay, zis is how you play," Medic started, and then continued quickly, "One person is infected vith the "Boom-boom" disease. This disease will give the person a certain amount of time to transmit it to another person. A counter gives you five minutes to start vith before you lose. The counter keeps time, and the person who has ze disease vhen it reaches zero loses."

"Err... Boom-boom?" The Scout asked doubtfully once more, looking towards the other two.

"No fire?" The Engineer asked. Gunther shook his head.

"LET US BEGIN!" Viktor shouted, looking around for a place to hide.

"First, I must inject one of you with a strain of ze virus. It transmits by touch, and ze person vith ze virus has a green cloud around them, showing who is "it." Anyone can tag anyone at any time, so no lazing off!" Gunther finished, pulling out a syringe with a green liquid inside.

"Does it hurt?" Scout backed away a little, now regretting this.

"No at all, my leetle American friend." Without warning, Gunther jammed the needle into Jacob's arm and injected the serum. Needless to say, the three quickly ran away, the syringe dropping to the ground as Jacob began to feel a change inside him.

Jacob's arms felt heavy. When he looked at them, he saw he had the arms of Viktor. His legs were quick to follow, though he still felt as if he could run as fast as ever. His eyesight quickly increased to be as keen as could be. He could see all of his prey in the area, and he knew their every move, their plans, their spots. He was in control.

"RAAAA!" He shouted in a thick voice as he charged off in the direction of Viktor the Heavy.

Gunther's calculations had been wrong. The serum was still harmless due to respawn, but now he feared Jacob, and was surprised that it had mutated the young man to the size of two Heavies but with the speed of himself.

"RUN!" Viktor shouted to himself. His heavy body fought to keep up with his legs as he nearly fell over. The beast was nearing him, and he could not keep going.

"Tag, bitch!" Jacob shouted, suddenly his own size again. He was a good ten feet above the Heavy, and grabbed onto the top of the Teufort bridge, swinging up onto it where he looked down on the mutating Heavy.

Viktor's legs and arms shrunk. His head suddenly grew hair, and he felt as if he could run a mile and still have time to organize his Sandvich collection.

"Run, cowards!" He screamed, turning to run towards the Medic.

"Amazing, ze serum gives the taker a random transformation into a random class, but vhen transmitted, ze normal traits of the previous person come alive and move to them." Gunther said to himself out loud as he dove under Viktor's legs and ran toward the bridge, where Jacob was looking down from and laughing.

"This is better than baseball back home!" he said between laughs, rolling around on the top of the bridge's roof.

Gunther felt the hand touch him. He suddenly felt heavier, and his arms and legs grew fatter. His hair fell out, and he felt like his glasses were obsolete. He could see perfectly.

"Aha, yes! Zis is perfect!" He screamed as Viktor hurried away, hands in the air as he screamed about how sorry he was he had tagged his best friend.

"Aw, come on, y'all!" Billy piped up from his spot in the corner. A bush hid all but his head as he looked over and saw the medic charging at him. He ducked.

Gunther crashed through the bushes and landed directly onto the teleporter he had been constructing silently while the trio out there had been running aimlessly.

"What the hell just happened?" Jacob noticed the Medic was gone, and looked over at Billy, who smiled mischeviously.

_Inside the RED Base_

"Ah, good job getting those men out, soldier!" Richard saluted Adam, who tipped his hat and patted the stuffed Koala toy on the pocket of his leg.

"Alright, can we get this bloody show on the road, mates?" Mitch asked, putting his feet up on the table as he looked at his cards.

"Tag, bitch!" The four in the room heard as Jacob's voice floated in through the window.

"Maggot..." Richard muttered, squinting at his cards.

"Mmm-mmm..." Sam muttered to himself as he chatted with the balloonicorn in pyroland.

A whirring sound filled the room as a teleporter built by Billy began spinning, the red swirls coming off of it.

"Well, I'll be..." Adam looked over at the teleporter. There was absolutely no reason for the teleporter to be there, as they weren't in war.

"RAAAAA!" the voice reached the four before the Medic came charging out of the teleporter, slamming into the table and knocking over the chairs of Adam and Mitch.

"HOLY HELL!" Richard exclaimed, quickly jumping up and rolling away from the morphed medic. What the hell did that insane doctor do to himself now?

"Gentle-" Phil walked into the room at that exact moment. He saw the morphed Gunther and paused, the "m" frozen on his tongue as the room suddenly became quiet, Gunther waiting for the Spy to finish his sentence.

"-meeeeeeeeee" The Spy went on with the "e" as long as he could, trying to motion with his eyes for the three closest to the monster of a doctor to get away.

"MOVE, MAGGOTS!" Richard awoke them all, and left his helmet behind as he ran towards the window.

Sam the Pyro sat there, staring at the proud Medic, flexing his new muscles to Mitch and Adam, who just stared back. "Mmma, hummapa!" He wanted to see.

"Too much drunk for 'e..." Mitch passed out, partly from the drink, partly from being scared to death by Gunther.

"Now calm down mate..." Adam tried to coax the Medic into backing away, but he just stared at Phil as he continued his "e."

_Outside the RED Base_

"Well, now that couldn't have gone better, eh fellas?" Billy asked as he stepped out of the bushes.

"Engineer is credit to team!" Billy found himself crushed in a bear hug by Viktor, while Scout just stared through the upstairs window.

"Guys..." Jacob left the thought incomplete, as Richard came flying through the open window face forward.

"What in hell did you maggots do to that thing!?" Richard asked in outrage, his buzzed hair showing, as he pointed over at the Engineer and Heavy.

"YOU! SCOUT! COMMIE!" He ran over to them and started beating on the large man that was Viktor, who turned around and looked at the American. He immediately stopped and began backing away.

"WHA-WHAAAAA! WHY IS SOLDIER SO MEAN TO VIKTOR? VIKTOR DID NOTHING!" The Russian whined, pressing his large hands to his face to hide his tears.

"I don't believe it... You really are a maggot, commie!" Richard yelled in the large man's face, causing him to cry even more.

"'Ey now, why'd you have to go and do that?" Billy asked, patting the Russian on the back.

"I am on a team of commies! COMMIES!" Richard yelled to the world, turned away from all of the RED team.

Just then a loud _thump _signaled the arrival of Mitch the Demoman, who was looking dazed as he got up from the ground.

"Wha' the hell did you do ta him?" He asked the group, reaching for his bottle.

The sentence was answered as the rest of the team crashed through the front door, breaking the large metal gate from its hinges. Surprising them all, it wasn't Gunther who was infected anymore, rather Sam the Pyro, who had gotten skinnier in the middle area and seemed to be invincible no matter what happened to him.

"Run, mates!" Adam grabbed the ground, pulling himself away from the towering Pyro. In Pyroland, the Pyro reached down and handed the Australian child a lolipop, and then felt himself shrink, and the Sniper grow a large amount of muscles, oh, and the ability to breathe fire.

"FIYAAAAA!" Mitch screamed as the Australian sprayed him with fire, and he ran towards the water under the bridge.

"Come at me, you maggot!" Richard yelled, whipping out his shovel and charging the mutated Adam.

Just then the timing kicked in and the Sniper exploded into large pieces of himself, a green haze evaporating from them.

"Oh, look, ze time is up." Gunther remarked gleefully, tapping his fingers together and looking at the different parts of Adam.

"Time?" Richard asked, turning to the German. "Was this a game to you!?" he asked in an outraged voice, angry he had been chased from his simple card game to the outside, where he had been humiliated by his teammates.

"Actually, yes." Gunther smiled and turned to the broken door.

"William, mein friend, you will want to get on zat soon." Gunther suggested, referring to Billy by his full first name. He chose not to go by it on the simple grounds he didn't like being called "Will" or "William".

"Ah suppose." Billy remarked, opening his toolbox and walking over to the broken entrance door.

"'Ey Doc!" Scout shouted from his perch on the bridge's roof.

"Yes?" The Medic paused.

"Can we do that again soon?"

"NO!" Richard answered.

"Viktor liked game!" Viktor responded happily, digging through his pockets for his beloved Pocket Medic.

"Maybe when I find me drink!" Mitch yelled from below the bridge. He was swimming around, trying to find his bottle he had dropped when set on fire by Adam.

"That was fun." Billy was now setting the door back up, but it was obvious it would take time to fix.

"Mmmph, mmmph, habadmmm." Sam responded, licking a lolipop in his world. To the rest of the REDs, he was licking his axe through his mask.

"Ah, that game... Interesting..." Phil replied, brushing his suit off and fixing his fedora.

"I vould like to see the effects of the serum again." Medic responded, fixing his gloves.

"That was pre'y entertainin'." Adam replied. He was now sitting above them all, on the side of the balcony of the building, his Jarate jars next to him.

"Sweet!" Jacob yelled, jumping down from his perch to go inside. He needed a good Bonk! Soda.

As Mitch finally got back outside to continue his look for his bottle, he looked at Sam, who was rubbing his ax on his mask. "I still say there's somethin' wrong with tha' thing..."

**A/N: Let me know how it was. Was it good, bood, somewhere in-between? Who's your favorite character? Did I keep the classes in character? Let me know, please, it's appreciated.**


	2. Hide and Seek?

_Cast: (All are RED)_

Scout: Jacob

Soldier: Richard

Pyro: S. Thought to be Sam.

Demoman: Mitch

Heavy: Viktor

Engineer: Billy

Sniper: Adam

Medic: Gunther

Spy: Philip "Phil"

_Teufort, RED Base, Kitchen._

Billy whistled as he prepared breakfast for his team. After yesterday's excitement, he thought they'd enjoy having a calm breakfast when Soldier all woke them up at 6 AM. So Billy woke up at 4:30.

He set down the bacon and eggs on the stove and grabbed a can of Jacob's favorite soda, and then a fresh bottle of beer for Mitch. He then quickly made a Sandvich for Viktor, that would surely make him get a bear hug from the kind man.

Next was Medic, who he had made a special sausage for. Then he made Sniper a large sandwich held together with a few toothpicks. Adam had always had a large appetite for Billy's food, and asked for seconds. Billy was sure this would stop him from asking for another, especially the hot sauce he had added as an after thought.

For Spy... He didn't know, so he went with another plate of eggs, so the man wouldn't be insulted by a random food Billy had thought would be a good addition to his diet. For Sam... Another sandwich.

_6:02 AM_

A wide-awake Richard and the seven other teammates trudged through the hall to the kitchen where they found Billy, feet up on the table, drinking one of Jacob's Bonk sodas.

That woke the Bostonian up. "My Bonk!" he yelled, running over and grabbing it from the Texan's hand. He turned it over to find it empty, and started to yell, "That was my la-" Then he saw the can in Billy's hand and stopped cold.

"That child..." Mitch muttered groggily, slumping down into his seat between Adam and Gunther.

"Wake up, maggots!" Richard pounded his hand on the table, shaking awake the men as they rubbed their eyes, reaching around to find their drinks and plates in their half-asleep state.

"Thanks, bud." Jacob smiled at Billy and took his seat next to him and Adam, who was trying to continue snoozing with his hat over his eyes.

"Wake up..." Richard whispered into the Australian's ear. He mumbled something about beauty rest, and continued sleeping.

"MAGGOT!" Richard's trademark way of waking the team up got Adam perked and grabbing for the long sandwich on his plate. He bit into it and fanned his tongue, looking at Billy for relief.

"Wa'er, wa'er!" He begged, breathing heavily and trying to grab Jacob's bonk can.

"Glass on the sink." Billy replied simply.

As Adam got water and Richard said the pledge of allegiance, Billy was squeezed from behind by Viktor, who was holding his Sandvich in his right hand. "Thank you, thank you, Engineeer!" He said several times before letting the Texan down.

Billy had been right.

_RED Base, Rec room, 12:00 PM_

"I'm tell ye, there is no way that ye could beat me in arm wrestlin'!" Mitch boasted, putting his hand up on the table he had sat at yesterday.

"Put it up, maggot!" Richard challenged, clasping the Scotman's hand with his own. They gripped each other's hard, and waited for the sign to go from somebody else.

"READY!" Jacob yelled, suddenly next to the table.

"Set..." He lowered his voice.

"Go." His voice was a whisper.

The arm war began. Richard took the early lead, nearly pinning the Scot's arm to the table in the beginning, but the Demoman came back, nearly getting the American as well. They held steady for a while, barely leaving the center of the table, until the Demoman took a swig from his bottle and slammed Richard's hand down, a loud smack following.

"I told ye." He said simply, as Scout and Gunther applauded him.

"Who's next?" Mitch asked.

"Take me on, Scotty." Jacob sat down and clasped the man's hand, awaiting the go order.

"GO!" Richard yelled with no warning.

The Scot slammed down the young baseball fan's hand so fast, the table cracked. Scout was flipped over from his chair and landed on the floor, his hand pulsing blood from several splinters stuck in his hand.

"AH!" Jacob screamed, clutching his hand, careful not to touch any of the splinters.

"Ah, a patient?" Gunther stepped over to the young man and helped him up. He then shooed the Bostonian towards the door to the Med-bay, where he quickly followed.

Viktor looked torn, and instead chose to stay with the rest of the team, and sat down to challenge Mitch.

"Err... I gotta go make sure me alcohol is still where me left it." Mitch excused himself and left the Heavy sitting alone at the table, rubbing his Pocket Medic.

"Guys, I got an idea." Billy suddenly spoke up from his position on the couch.

"Whaddya got, mate?" Adam turned to the Engineer and tipped his hat.

"Remember how ol' Jacob always wanted to play hide-and-seek when we were bored before?" The Texan asked, standing up and stretching.

"Yea..." Adam answered, not sure where he was going with this.

"Well, the kid got hurt. The least we could do would be to play for him, you know?" Billy continued, looking around at the remaining men in the room. It was him, Sam, Viktor, Adam, Phil, and Richard.

"That game is for maggots!" Richard exclaimed, tapping his helmet and staring hard at Billy.

"Too bad." Billy replied simply, standing up and exiting the room.

"I think game is good idea!" Viktor piped up, standing from the table and following the Texan out.

"Eh, why not?" Adam followed.

Sam followed absent-mindedly behind, leaving Richard to trudge slowly after them, "Stupid commie maggots. Childish game..."

After finding Scout and the Medic in the Med-bay, Gunther having hooked up the Bostonian to the medigun while he pulled the splinters out with his tweezers.

"'Ey Jacob." Billy said, getting the attention of the whimpering kid.

"Yea?"

"Wanna play hide-'n'-seek?" Billy asked.

"NO FOOLIN'?" Jacob yelled, nearly shooting up off of the table. His splinters removed, he grabbed the Engineer's hand and shook is hard and fast, happiness filling his eyes.

"No foolin'." Billy answered.

"WHOO!" Jacob yelled, drawing his bat from his back and tossing it in the air in a show of happiness.

"Hmm... May I offer a way to accelerate ze game?" Gunther broke in, a large syringe in his hand. It had a red liquid inside, and seemed to bubble as he stared at it.

"NO! Not like yesterday!" Richard yelled, eying the syringe as if it was a communist general.

"Oh, nozing like yesterday, mein American friend. Though you will find a surprise when using this." Gunther offered the syringe to the Engineer, who took is carefully and held it away from any appendages the others had.

"Okay. All of you, go hide!" Jacob yelled, running off in the direction to get to the rooms of the other men.

"RAAAAA!" Viktor yelled, running off in the direction of the armory.

"Catch me if ya can, wanker!" Adam yelled, sprinting off in the predictable direction of his nest.

Richard stayed silent for once and ran off in the direction of the meeting room.

Sam had a thought. He loved fire. What better place to hide for a person who loves fire than in an area that hated fire? Sam ran off to find the drainage pipes.

"No cloaking!" Billy yelled as Gunther jammed the syringe into his arm. Billy felt a warm surge go up through his arms, and felt as if he could do anything and everything he wanted.

"Ah, curse your American rules..." Phil slunk off in the direction of the bridge, where he intended to hide on top off like Jacob.

"Go, mein American friend, find your players." Gunther backed away and swept the Texan on with the tip of his foot. The first place Billy went was to the armory.

_The Armory _

Viktor thought he was the most clever Russian he knew. In his hand he silently ate a Sandvich, while he was jammed between two cabinets where he could see the only entrances to the room. If the Engineer came here, he would be the first to know.

"Come out, Heavy..." Billy whispered as he opened the entrance Viktor had left open. Immediately he turned to the area where Viktor's gun, Sasha, resided. He began searching near it, and Viktor felt a longing to protect his weapon from the other man, to hold his precious Sasha and tell her everything would be okay.

As Billy began to touch Sasha, he lost it.

"YOU NO TOUCH SASHA!" He yelled in out rage, tossing his beloved Sandvich at the Engineer. It missed him by a lot, and slammed into a cabinet next to where Richard's rocket launcher was kept. Billy turned and sprinted after Viktor as he charged at the smaller Texan.

"RAAAAAA-" The Russian's cry was cut off as Billy touched him in his large thumb. The Russian immediately was replaced by a pile of ash. Viktor himself was in the Respawn room, where he found was locked by Gunther, who was waiting outside.

"Doctor! Let Viktor out!"

"Not until ze game is finished, my friend." Gunther replied.

_Sniper's nest._

Adam was shaking. He could see the Texan slowly ascending the stairs towards him, and clutched his bottles of Jarate, deciding if he should throw the substance at the Engineer. It would most likely have no effect, so he sat down and accepted his fate. He tipped his hat as the Engineer reached towards him.

"Good game, ma-" He was cut off as he disintegrated into a pile of ash, just as Viktor had.

When Adam recovered in Respawn, he saw Viktor twiddling his thumbs and sitting on a bench, whistling a low tune.

_Meeting room_

"MAGGOT!" Richard yelled, pointing at a picture of the Scout that he had found on the wall of the meeting room. It was a picture of the young man smiling and tipping his cap at the camera, his mocking smile plastered on his face.

"You are a disgrace!" He continued yelling at the picture, unaware of the smaller man creeping up behind him.

"COMM-" Richard was cut off as he turned to yell at a picture of Viktor, who had shown up to the day with a Sandvich in his mouth, and had the thing in his mouth the moment the photographer took the picture.

In Respawn, he found Adam creating more of his famous Jarate as Viktor counted his fingers, always coming up with a different number.

_Outside_

Billy chuckled as the Spy disintegrated at his touch, just as all the others had. This game was fun when he could actually do something to his annoying teammates without killing them. He slapped his knee and then looked down at the water under the bridge and saw bubbles floating to the surface. Another victim.

He jumped, and a large splash shattered the peace of Sam as he drifted along in the small current in the mucky water, his suit supplying a small amount of air.

"MMMMM!" He protested, kicking away from the kid coming after him with a knife with blood on it. In Pyroland, that was not possible!

"Mmmm- MMMM! M-" He was cut off as he melted to a pile of ashes under the touch of Billy. The ashes quickly dissolved in the water, disappearing from Billy's eyes.

In the Respawn, Sam was greeted by the Sniper and Heavy playing a game of rock, paper, scissors, and the Spy and Soldier speaking calmly in the corner, glancing over at the other two.

_Richard's Room._

Scout glanced up at the walls. Richard's room was covered with posters about America, how great it was, how free it was, and how everyone should serve it. He had an entire poster above his bed dedicated to the national anthem, and another on his door to the pledge of allegiance.

"Fuckin' soldier." Jacob muttered, glancing up from the side of Richard's bed. The doorknob was slowly twisting, and Jacob knew he was doomed. He froze in place as the door opened a crack, and the goggled eye of the Engineer peeked in.

Several moments of scuffling later, Jacob awoke in Respawn to see Phil smoking a cigarette in the corner, Sam fumbling with a match in another, Adam and Richard speaking softly while Viktor begged the Medic to open the door.

_Several hours later_

"Okay, ze game is done. I hope you liked my variation of ze 'tagger'." Gunther said to the tired six men as they strode out of the Respawn room, eying him evilly, Billy sitting in the corner, dozing next to his toolbox.

"One thing, soldier..." Richard whispered to Gunther.

"Ja?"

"NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!"


End file.
